I often times find myself regretting a lot of shit that I’ve done in my life because of the situations that I find myself in from day to day. You know, shit like – Why did I come to Japan? Why did I stay here? Why did I decide to marry my wife instead of that other chick? Why didn’t I change where I work when I was head-hunted? Stuff like that.
These moods tend to be triggered by stress at work or more often just a simple lack of intelligent, thought provoking conversation. I find myself missing the kinds of friends that I imagine I could have had in The Sates, in addition to the different kinds of affection and intimacy that I imagine American couples have. (To see what I’m talking about see HERE and HERE and
Then, when I get my shit together, I wonder – Why should I have these regrets? I mean really, what makes me unable to be satisfied with the life I have? Why are my expectations so high, and what made them so high?
I mean really – I’ve got 2 motorcycles (One I ride actively and one I want to restore), 2 relatively new cars (One for me and one for the wife), both my kids are beautiful, healthy and smart (though my youngest doesn’t show it in school – he shows it in other ways), and my wife works harder than even the most adamant slave driver should realistically expect (both at work and at home.) I also have no debt other than the mortgage and the loan for the solar panels – both easily within budget.
So what’s the deal? It’s not like I was spoiled as a child – we were poor and I worked for everything I ever got, including my education. I often wonder if maybe it wasn’t American TV, or all the books that I’ve read in which the good guy almost always gets the girl (and everything else he desires) in the end.
I even sometimes think that maybe I’m a bit manic – even though I never was when I was younger and I don’t know of anyone in the family who is. I also wonder if maybe it’s not a bit of culture shock – yes, even after over 19 years.
Living in this country is truly a love-hate relationship. Everything is so close to the way it is in The States, and yet so different. Personal relationships are one of the biggest differences and while I always thought I could be a successful loner, maybe it’s that lack of friendships that drives me to depression. (Read the link above and you’ll find that it is often the case that Western men in Japan have a hard time making male friends of the Japanese persuasion. There’s just something fundamentally different about the way that men interact with each other in the two cultures.)
Anyway, time to end this self absorbed rant and get on with life. All I probably need is a high speed run down my favorite twisty road on my Ninja. That gives the chance for the adrenaline to kick the shit out of my system.